It's been nearly a year since we have set foot in the lovely city of Seattle, Washington. I think our souls in this city! Even after a year I cannot imagine a street or a memory, Target, Costco, Friends and Family without immediately tearing up. I try to push the images of what used to be my home and life far from my mind so that I can make life here work for our family! It's that good old saying of "You don't know what you got until it's gone". We rolled the dice, took a gamble, put all of our eggs in one basket to come here.
We came for all the right reasons. We thought, talked, thought some more and stayed up sleepless nights to make sure that we were making the right choice for our family. Our right reasons were to give Laila a BIG extended family and to be brought up in a strong Islamic community with Islam all around her. Abdallah and I imagined a "simpler" life with less stress and focus more on family and less on material things or acquiring. We found none of what we hoped for in the last year! All three of us I can speak for when I say that! I cringe with pain when I remember our first month here as Laila woke every night for hours crying for the US. This was not something we anticipated in our move here. We thought we had done the right thing by moving her at 3 and a half. Whatever could be endured in an international move we endured it. At times felt crazy and looked crazy as a family. I think at times we still do. As always Abdallah and I stand alone figuring things out with each other. That can be good and bad you can imagine for a married couple. We stand alone in raising Laila! I often wander how we thought by moving ourselves into the family home would give Laila this "instant" sense of family. It didn't! It didn't give her, me or Abdallah (Who has been gone so long he feels like a stranger in his own country and to his own family). It just brought out the worst in all of us. The desire for Seattle, Friends, Family, Home..what we used to know is more strong then our desire to make it here. If you asked all three of us if we had a magic wand would we undo it and we would say "Yes!"
What makes it so hard here to live?
My answer is humanity! I don't want this to be a put down of a country or a place or people. I just want to share what I feel as a human. I never stereotype a race, a religion, a skin color a person. I want to express to you what a shock coming here was to my soul, to my child's soul and to my husband who identifies with being born here. I have never felt more disconnected or shocked by Muslims then here. I think since in the US I was around "converts" a lot so we were always going by "the book" (Q'uran). We weren't born into Islam we were learning as we choose to be Muslim. Although you here the Adthan (the call to prayer here 5 times a day) you would be pressed to see any Islamic Behavior here in a day to day runnings. I just ran Laila to the dry cleaners. I had to cover her eyes as the bakery owner and parking lot attendant got into a screaming and shoving fight. Normal occurrence here in life! I had to tell Laila they had "No manners"..sigh! A lot of good in Jordan let me tell you! I actually enjoy my relationships with the "down to earth" Muslims and Christians I have met here. People are placed in categories constantly by Family name, Jordanian versus Palestine, Maids and Servants! I feel like I was time warped into this world of everything that goes against my values as a human. I don't care if you are Palestine or Jordanian (I just want to know you), I don't care if your family is linked to royalty, I don't think beating your maid or verbally abusing her should be allowed in the year 2010 no matter where we are in the world. When I say Humanity...How humans here treat people! I struggle, Laila struggles with friendships, Abdallah with his family in what we value. Although this year has been a loooong year! I would like to say at the end of it all that we kept our values! We kept what we thought was right as being a Muslim, Parent, Friend, A Partner and a Human. As I look back on the last year which in itself could have been a mini series movie. I think it for sure was not the worst year or a loss because we kept what we valued in our family unit! The last year was really a battle about keeping what we believed in our family close to us. At the end of the day we have won that! This to me is more then any other thing I can hope for while living outside of what we know.
We are strong. Abdallah, Laila and I as individuals and as a family! Many people might have given up the first day,week, month or year. We are still here. That is what I will explore maybe as I write, express, vent, dump my brain on these pages of my blog. What is keeping us here? Why do we choose to live this way?
Jordan itself is mystical as a country. You feel like you are worlds away from everything. Islam is here in physical things (Mosques, the Adthan, in the celebrations of Rammadan and Eids). You are free to be a Muslim here and wear hijab and pray and live. The food is delicious and I will never complain about the cuisine here in Jordan. The history is rich! The location and idea of being centralized in the midst of countries like Jerusalem, Egypt, Turkey, Lebanon is thrilling. In just a matter of hours you could be in places that we dream of vacations of from the US. Although Jordan is very Materialistic (for those who can afford the "Cosmo" life as they call it here). It's so easy to forget about getting the "latest" toy or item for Target and just focus on living each day.
Maybe the last year was just to much for us! To many things in all directions coming at once. Abdallah and I made a pact that if one of us was stressed the other would be the release of that stress to balance one another. It didn't work that way...LOL! My sister was here visiting! I was explaining the stress of it all! Like we never didn't have something going on . She commented that we did always have a lot going on, but that wasn't necessarily bad. That was the first time I reconsidered that having a lot going on wasn't a bad thing. I have to believe Emily since she is the kindest soul I know on earth and got her degree in Psyhcogology so she has some knowledge of these things.
I was going to have subject to write each day, not keep it personal or to deep or to negative. I think the way I want to blog is to put down what is in my head for that moment....Right now I am like a Balance in my head. Weighing the Good and Bad and tyring to end up balanced or somewhere balanced in my head. Yep! I am Feng Shui-ing my life events!
Now that I have dumped my head...I have this thought for the day!
We compare and gossip about others in life. I just caught myself comparing something today to my husband. He pointed it out! I sent him a text a few hours later and said, "I love you and Thank you for spoiling me!". I would also like to say that I have been on the receiving end many of times of that comparing and gossiping. Most recently in our family where the women don't trade recipes they trade "mean and hurtful" stories. One of my sister-in-laws was telling me they are "betting on my marriage not lasting long". Really? It made me cry! It made me cry to think that a family that for no reason has found reason to hate me and my child and their own flesh and blood my husband is now "betting" on my marriage. I have taken a vow to verbally as much as I can not compare to anything in this life. I have also taken a vow to not put others down. Neither one of these say much about us as women or as humans if we do it, yet we do! I know what it feels like to be on the end of those hurtful and mean words I want to make sure that I am not participating in or spreading it back to anyone. It would have been simple to lash out at the whole bunch for comments. I think Allah (God) rewards good. I know this! I took it as a moment to work on myself and what I can do to change me and not participate in this evil cycle. For today and the next and the next I will challenge myself to not compare to others and to keep gossip out of my life. Last time I checked gossip was a "harem" (sin) so I would just be moving myself forward as a Muslim..
I think I will hit the publish key and see what a rambling mess I created here...Smile!
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